Ashes

i have scattered the ashes of both my parents

i am disappointed in who i have turned out to be

i always thought it was who i was going to be that counted
but it turns out that what counted all along was who i was
or wasn’t

its a bit late to be figuring this out
there can’t be much time left

people love to say things about regrets - never regret, yada yada
my life is one big regret

what can be done

that’s not exactly right   its more like many many little regrets
all piled on top of each other
but who cares     what’s the difference
it would take a lifetime to explain

my father died alone and in disgrace
a suicide   more or less
there was no funeral or service     nothing    nobody
just me and a confused old fishing buddy
out on the gulf   with a box of bone dust    and nothing to say

mom   well   her alcohol and tobacco and morphine saturated bones
got scattered on the pasture   for lack of anywhere better
or anyone else who cared

why am i up in the middle of the night weeping about this again
if i pour out my soul    will you hear me



what kind of funeral or service can i hope for
i imagine i will be beyond caring then   
distracted    probably

but   if i could attend       what
a slide show maybe     artifacts
no great and lasting songs or stories
books    or movies   no buildings or cities


how about a windy hilltop (out of africa)       or a quite forest glade (jack murphy)
my grandfather had a vermont granite boulder shipped in
it still rests in canton     with his name

an adirondack boulder might be nice    but where to put it

oh   yes    i dreamed about buying a hollow log for a casket
must be what woke me up


nothing i have done will be worth celebrating
only what He has done
i have so enjoyed this creation    as His masterpiece
but it’s not       we are

the world     the universe    simply reflect the beauty of their maker
we are supposed to co-radiate His image

i have enjoyed His beauty
but have so failed in radiating His image
God have mercy on me a sinner

i believe    help my unbelief

389 words    of what value